1. “I might join you later.” — Meaning: I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire. 2. “Excuse me, sorry, is anyone sitting here?” — Translation: You have three seconds to move your bag before I end you. 3. “Not to worry.” — Translation: I will never forget this. 4. Saying sorry as…
Tag: humorous
father offers advice to son on wedding night
This Father Offers Advice To His Son On His Wedding Night. The Result Is Priceless. Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed…
Band Wanted
Guy Posts A Craigslist Ad Looking For A Band. It Got Removed Shortly Afterwards. LOOKING FOR A WEDDING BAND Terrible band needed for sham of a wedding. 11/6. No pay. As the musician in our family, my Shylock of a half-brother and his parsimonious fiance have passed off to me the job of finding a…
Does This AD Describe You?
Guy Posts A Craigslist Ad Looking For A Like-Minded Woman, And He Nailed It. I’m looking for and need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship… Hi there, I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3 to 9 month relationship, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. My name is…
Actual Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers
TOWER: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 degrees.” TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” TOWER: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?” ************************************************************ FROM AN UNKNOWN AIRCRAFT WAITING IN A VERY LONG TAKEOFF QUEUE: “I’m…
Gynecologist Quits to Become Mechanic
This Gynecologist Just Quit Medicine To Become A Mechanic. But What He Does In The Exam Shocks Everyone. A gynecologist had become fed up with the new ObamaCare restrictions, malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic….
man versus blimp
THIS MAN JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR HIS DAUGHTER. BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT ALMOST GAVE HIM A HEART ATTACK. Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and myself at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and we put a blimp together. And…
How the United States is Doing Business Today
This Is Why Business In The United States Is So Screwed. It is the month of December, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He…
gorilla dies of old age at zoo
SO A GORILLA DIES OF OLD AGE AT A ZOO… WHAT THIS ZOO DID NEXT IS GENIUS! So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo, right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo, since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by…
“Cattle Guards”
Cattle Guards or Texas Gates as called by Texans….. YA GOTTA LAUGH TO KEEP FROM CRYING!!! These two, Obama and Biden, are morons and are an embarrassment to the USA! Can you believe it? Biden asks for 6 months of retraining for ‘Cattle Guards!’ You will love this one, I haven’t stopped laughing yet. NOTE:…
bad day at work
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on off-shore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station who was sponsoring a “worst job…
What British People Say vs What They Mean At Christmas
What they say: [What they mean:] Hooray! Father Christmas has been here! [FFS. It’s only 5am.] Would anyone like a drink? [I don’t care that it’s 8am, I need alcohol in my system NOW.] Oh, you really shouldn’t have! [No, you REALLY shouldn’t have!] I love it. Thank you! [I hope you kept the receipt.]…
Christmas miracle granted
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The lettter read: “Dear…
Why It’s Impossible To Have A Christmas Party In 2014
December 1…To All employees I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols…feel free to sing-along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa…
man takes the 12 days of Christmas literally
December 25th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes ***** December 26th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m…
Santa pick-up lines
“I’ll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.” “When was the last time you did it in a sleigh?” “I put the ‘scroo’ in Scrooge.” “Ever make it with a fat guy, with a whip?” “I’ve got something you can hang a wreath on.” “One hour with me and you’ll see flyin’ reindeer!”…
the real reason there’s an angel on top of the Christmas tree
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness…
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