[What they mean:]
Hooray! Father Christmas has been here!
[FFS. It’s only 5am.]
Would anyone like a drink?
[I don’t care that it’s 8am, I need alcohol in my system NOW.]
Oh, you really shouldn’t have!
[No, you REALLY shouldn’t have!]
I love it. Thank you!
[I hope you kept the receipt.]
What a lovely Christmas jumper!
[Are you wearing that ironically?]
I’m going to take the dog for a walk round the block.
[I’m going to take the dog for a walk round the block via the pub.]
Lunch might be a little later than I’d originally planned.
[SEVEN hours that turkey has been in the oven and the b*st*rd still isn’t cooked.]
Anyone want to pull a cracker!
[Anyone want to pull an overpriced piece of paper that inevitably won’t go bang and contains total crap!?!?]
Put your paper hats on!
[If I’m going to look silly then we’re ALL going to look silly.]
Let’s watch the Queen’s speech!
[Let’s watch the Queen’s speech because we don’t want to talk to each other.]
What film shall we watch this afternoon?
[Not James Bond again. Please, no.]
Doesn’t the house smell festive?
[Christ, will the smell of Brussels sprouts ever go away?]
Yes, of course I can knock you up a little something to eat!
[How can you still be hungry when you’ve eaten your entire body weight in Celebration?]
Shall we play some party games?
[I’m drunk enough to think this is a good idea.]
I’m going to go for a stroll to walk off my Christmas dinner.
[I’m going to the pub.]