What they say:

[What they mean:]

Hooray! Father Christmas has been here!

[FFS. It’s only 5am.]

Would anyone like a drink?

[I don’t care that it’s 8am, I need alcohol in my system NOW.]

Oh, you really shouldn’t have!

[No, you REALLY shouldn’t have!]

I love it. Thank you!

[I hope you kept the receipt.]

What a lovely Christmas jumper!

[Are you wearing that ironically?]

I’m going to take the dog for a walk round the block.

[I’m going to take the dog for a walk round the block via the pub.]

Lunch might be a little later than I’d originally planned.

[SEVEN hours that turkey has been in the oven and the b*st*rd still isn’t cooked.]

Anyone want to pull a cracker!

[Anyone want to pull an overpriced piece of paper that inevitably won’t go bang and contains total crap!?!?]

Put your paper hats on!

[If I’m going to look silly then we’re ALL  going to look silly.]

Let’s watch the Queen’s speech!

[Let’s watch the Queen’s speech because we don’t want to talk to each other.]

What film shall we watch this afternoon?

[Not James Bond again. Please, no.]

Doesn’t the house smell festive?

[Christ, will the smell of Brussels sprouts ever go away?]

Yes, of course I can knock you up a little something to eat!

[How can you still be hungry when you’ve eaten your entire body weight in Celebration?]

Shall we play some party games?

[I’m drunk enough to think this is a good idea.]

I’m going to go for a stroll to walk off my Christmas dinner.

[I’m going to the pub.]

Source: HuffingtonPostUK