Why It’s Impossible To Have A Christmas Party In 2014

December 1…To All employees

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols…feel free to sing-along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

*****

December 2…To All Employees

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we’re calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas songs sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

*****

December 3…To All employees

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads “AA Only” you won’t be anonymous any more.
In addition, we’ll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

*****

December 7…To All Employees

I have arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are of course allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.

Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

*****

December 9…To All Employees

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

*****

December 10…To All Employees

Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people. We’re holding this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the “Grill of Death” as you call it, and you’ll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

*****

December 14…To All Employees

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

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