An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a bird flies past and relieves himself on the womans’ head. ~ “Yech!” cries the woman. “Quick get some toilet tissue.” “What for?” the man asks. “He must be half-a-mile away by now.”
My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old. So I told her “Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes. Pull on rubber gloves. Smear vaseline over your glasses, And there you have it: instant Old Age.”
MATURITY Hey, pull my finger
The local paper sent a reporter out for my 90th birthday. He asked the secret to my longevity. “Simple,” sez I to him…”KEEP BREATHING!”
Now that I’m older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience. Turns out I just don’t give a shit.
My wife said “Watcha doin’ today?” I said “Nothing.” She said, “You did that yesterday.” I said “I wasn’t finished.”
“Oh Gawd. I’m convinced my mind is almost gone.” “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years.”
…And then she asked “What’s the best form of birth control after 50?” I said “Nudity.”