An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a bird flies past and relieves himself on the womans’ head.
~
“Yech!” cries the woman. “Quick get some toilet tissue.”
“What for?” the man asks. “He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old. So I told her “Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes. Pull on rubber gloves. Smear vaseline over your glasses, And there you have it: instant Old Age.”

MATURITY
Hey, pull my finger

The local paper sent a reporter out for my 90th birthday. He asked the secret to my longevity. “Simple,” sez I to him…”KEEP BREATHING!”

Now that I’m older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience. Turns out I just don’t give a shit.

My wife said “Watcha doin’ today?” I said “Nothing.” She said, “You did that yesterday.” I said “I wasn’t finished.”

“Oh Gawd. I’m convinced my mind is almost gone.” “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years.”

…And then she asked “What’s the best form of birth control after 50?” I said “Nudity.”

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