This real arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,

“Is that Corona or Blue?”

I said,

“There’s a fucking tap underneath, taste it.”

*****

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said,

“If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said,

“If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there.”

*****

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her,

“Nice legs.”

The girl giggled and said with a smile,

“Do you really think so?”

I said

“Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now.”

*****

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.

“Really”

she said,

“Go on then…try.”

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

“Come on, what day was I born?”

I said,

“Yesterday.”

*****

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

*****

I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

*****

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age old question:

“Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?”

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;

And here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,

“It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,

“You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Case closed.

Wipe that grin off your face and make somebody else’s day…