missing wife

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color…

Actual Announcements Made by Flight Attendants

14 Actual Announcements Made By Flight Attendants. Someone Should Give Them A Medal. “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.” “Ladies and…

The History of Aprons

I don’t think our kids know what an apron is. The principle use of Grandma’s apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses, plus aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for…

Christmas miracle granted

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The lettter read: “Dear…

man takes the 12 days of Christmas literally

December 25th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes ***** December 26th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m…

Santa pick-up lines

“I’ll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.” “When was the last time you did it in a sleigh?” “I put the ‘scroo’ in Scrooge.” “Ever make it with a fat guy, with a whip?” “I’ve got something you can hang a wreath on.” “One hour with me and you’ll see flyin’ reindeer!”…

angry Christmas letter to Santa

Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box with Call of Duty and an iPhone 6 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy…

an engineer’s perspective of Christmas

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census)…

Classic Movies Redone…

The Treasure of Sierra Madre “Birth certificates? We don’t need no stinkin’ birth certificates!” The Wizard of Oz “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Chicago anymore.” Gone With The Wind “Frankly America I don’t give a damn.” Bonnie & Clyde “We nationalize banks.” The Godfather “I’m gonna make them a bailout offer they can’t refuse.”…

COLORED BOOBS

    Black woman with one white boob and one black boob. This is so bad I had to post it for those certain individuals whom I think can handle it . I HOPE you can take it!!! Unbelievable! Photo of a woman with two different colored boobs! I knew you’d love it!    …

welfare recipients…

Now, don’t tell me that welfare recipients aren’t innovative!   No reason to stand on your feet waiting for the counter to open up to get your check. Just put your flip-flops next in line and go back, sit on your butt and play games on your iPhone.