Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

Paddy says to Mick – “I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks – “So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies, – “I’ll take her with me!”

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe.”

An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”