A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “are they all yours?” “Yep, they are all mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.’ She says, “sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats. “Well,” says the social worker,…
Tag: humor
Dependents….
If you haven’t had your taxes done yet, you might want to try this….. The IRS sent my Tax Return back! I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?” I replied – “12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people on food stamps; 2 million…
Chinese Sick Leave…
Ho Chow calls into work and says, “I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give…
Catching Pigs…
There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the Prof noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was…
Camel!!!
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The first lady asked, “What’s that?” “A condom,” the other lady responded. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”…
Beer & Taxes — A Comparison!
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1.00 The sixth would pay…
Where’s Walter?
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. “Walter,” responds the little boy. “And what is your question, Walter?” “I have four questions:” “First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the…
Spelling Bee Champion…
My name be Eboneesha Hernandez, a African-Hispanic-American Girl who jus got a award for bein the bess speler in class. I gots a 67% on the spelin text and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringin drugs to class, 5 points for not bringin guns to class, and 5 points for not…
Paraprosdokian:
Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. ‘Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,’ is a type of paraprosdokian. * I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So…
Mexican Words of the Day…
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: “Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.” 2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car there’s not mushroom. 3. *Shoulder* My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn’t know how to read, so I shoulder. 4….
Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If…
Finding the Perfect Quarterback…
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he…
Chili Cook-off…
Read slowly. If you pay attention to the comments from the first two judges, the reactions/comments of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a…
A Pastor Goes to the Dentist
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sabbath after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sabbath, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sabbath, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get…
Are You Serious? 2
[9.] I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”…
Are You Serious?
I hope that these are jokes, but unfortunately, I seriously doubt it! The really, REALLY scary thing is that some are elected representatives and –eeeeewwww– WE put them in office. A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble: [1.] I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask…
The 6 Truths of Life….
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. The first truth is a lie. 4. You’re smiling now because you’re an idiot 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There’s still a stupid smile on your face. Sorry…
Mandlebrot Fractals
MANDELBROT FRACTALS For when dividing by zero just isn’t trippy enough. ‘Fractal’ mathematician Benoit Mandelbrot dies aged 85 17 October 2010 | BBC News Europe Benoit Mandelbrot, who discovered mathematical shapes known as fractals, has died of cancer at the age of 85. Mandelbrot, who had joint French and US nationality, developed fractals as a…
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