Paraprosdokian: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
‘Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,’ is a type of paraprosdokian.
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
* I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.