Tag: funny

Halloween costume contest winner! I

Just now… the votes have finally been tabulated! The Halloween costume contest winner. The Peter Pan Costume!!!! AND HERE ARE THE RUNNERS UP… In FIRST PLACE we have Ripley in ‘Aliens’ VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITES BELOW Beetlejuice Edward Scissorhands (male) Edward Scissorhands (female) |1|  |2|  |3|  |4|

nose ring…

MY 15 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER ASKED ME IF SHE COULD GET A NOSE RING? SO I BOUGHT HER ONE!

photoshop-six months later…

GET THE BODY YOU DESERVE IN 6 MONTHS… BECAUSE 6 MONTHS IS THE TIME REQUIRED TO LEARN ‘PHOTOSHOP’! THE POWER OF PHOTOSHOP: SEEMS LEGIT TO ME PHOTOSHOP: What a little photoshop can fix FAIL: WHEN YOUR MUSCLES RUIN YOUR FURNITURE

The Tortoise and The Hare…

This is the classic tale of the tortoise and the hare and their famous race. “First one home wins.” “Deal.” “FUCK!” MORAL: Being the fastest doesn’t mean you win the race!

There IS an advantage…

THE ADVANTAGE TO BEING A MUSLIM? … WHEN YOU SWITCH GIRL FRIENDS YOU CAN KEEP THE SAME PICTURE ON YOUR DESK! Wife #1; Wife #2; Wife #3 & Wife #4 all say: We’re All treated Equally Under Islamic Law An advantage of being an ex-Muslim middle-Eastener living in North America, is that i can openly…

Read More

retired husband….

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local…

Read More

remember your glasses…..

Yesterday, my wife asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. She suggested I go to the VFW and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said “Are you nuts? You’re over 60 years…

Read More

Pray for Leroy….

The preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.” With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?” Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to…

Read More

police interviews…..

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down,…

Read More

A Cup of Tea…..

ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW… ~A Cup of Tea ~ One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living…

Read More

Old Guys…

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend: “That’s us in 10 years.” He said, “That’s a mirror, dip-stick!”

nutter’s day…

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst. But a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go at it. Today is International Nutters Day. Please send an encouraging message to a fucked up friend, just as I’ve done. I don’t care…

Read More

NOW this is “really” funny…..

The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!”

Now that’s “REAL” Love….

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined…

Read More

No Flu!!!….

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he…

Read More

Muslim Riots in Detroit…..

In the wake of Osama Bin Laden’s death, Muslims have gone on the rampage in Detroit killing anyone who’s Caucasian. Police fear the death toll could rise as high as 2.